I am sorry I made you 💔

I want to start by saying that I’m sorry.

I know I‘ve said it probably a million times but I feel like I need to keep apologizing. I keep saying it in the hopes that you’ll understand all the things I’m apologizing for. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that all the memories we made are now tainted with sadness. I’m sorry that I didn’t love you the way you deserved. I’m sorry that I couldn’t really explain to you why we had to end. I’m sorry that I waited so long to tell you when I already knew it was over. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I gave up on us. I’m sorry I broke your heart. I’m sorry that there’ll never be an us again.

I’m just so incredibly sorry.

You might not believe me, you probably won’t believe me, but breaking up with you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It may have hurt me as much as it hurt you. I can hear someone in the audience of those who’ve had their hearts broken shout, “Bullshit!” I hear you but hear me, it’s never easy hurting someone you love and I do, I love you. You didn’t ask and I didn’t tell you but here’s the truth: I love you.

I wanted to be a forever kind of girl. I wanted to be a girl who could promise you forever and mean it. I thought I’d changed but I discovered that I hadn’t. I’m still as afraid of commitments and forevers as I was before.

You and I just weren’t meant to be in the end and that makes me sad because I wanted us to work out more than I’ve ever wanted anything. You don’t see this now and you may not see it next week, or next month or next year but one day you’ll see that you deserve so much better than me and what I could give you.

You deserve someone who can give you the love I couldn’t.

Someone who could understand you better than I ever did. Someone who isn’t drowning in their own demons.

So I’m sorry for breaking your heart. I hope I haven’t made you afraid to give your heart again. I hope you’re not afraid to fall in love again. I hope that one day you find someone who makes you happy.

And I hope that one day you’ll forgive me instead of just telling me not to apologize.

Breaking someone’s heart is never going to be easy. It might even feel worse than being the one who got dumped, because on top of that loss, you feel guilty as hell.

I’ve had my heartbroken before and I would never wish that kind of pain on my worst enemy. Not only is it painful, but it’s humiliating, shocking and down right cruel. It feels like they did it on purpose, just to make you suffer. But in hindsight, they were just doing what was right for them at the time.

Not only have I been heartbroken, but I also have had the terrible deed of unfortunately breaking someone else’s heart. And my god, was it heart-wrenching.

To see that I made someone I care about break.

I made him hurt. I made him cry. I made his heart ache. And I curse myself for it. I feel like I am a terrible human being.I feel like I don’t deserve anything good in life, and that karma will come back for me.I am sorry.

No matter how much it hurts me,I need to do the right thing for myself even if it breaks another person’s heart.

I don’t like to disappoint people. I don’t like to hurt people. And I wouldn’t ever want to make someone who I truly care about hurt like I have hurt before. But, in some circumstances you have to say goodbye. And I have to watch them suffer- because of what I am saying to them.

And I have to forgive myself for this.

Imagine that someone in this world loves you more than any song can song, and any phrase can express.  You are the first thing on his mind every morning, and the last thing on his mind every night. He worships you.  He can’t go more than ten minutes wondering what you are doing, and if you are happy.  Your happiness and success are his only goals in life.

You are literally his drug.  He doesn’t need narcotics or booze because you are his high.  Everything you are, is everything he wants and the only thing he needs.  He would take a bullet for you.  He would kill someone for you.  His love is that real.

And he tells you all the time, “I love you so much.”  And you can feel it in his presence. In the way that he has made himself a better person, for you.

It is a fairytale.  Except that it isn’t.

The only problem is you don’t love him back.  Maybe you did at one time and have fallen out of love.  Maybe you never loved him at all.  Maybe you do love him, but not enough to save you. How do you live with yourself, knowing that you have literally crushed the soul of another? How do you sleep knowing that you may have scarred him for life? Knowing that he may never be able to love someone else, because of you.

The answer is simple: time and conscious thought.  Time doesn’t completely heal all wounds, but it can help.  At first it will seem like a selfish act…you are the villain.  But in time you will understand that your happiness and your choices are just that, yours.  Do your choices affect others? Absolutely.  But can continue to blame yourself for the way other people choose to feel? Absolutely not. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to love whomever the hell you please. You are responsible for you, and that’s it.

Stop beating yourself up about it.  Stop pitying him.  He will get over it someday, on his own accord, when he is damn well ready.  When he starts to take responsibility for his own happiness, and his own choices, he will be free from you. And he will feel stronger, and more able because of it.

Maybe he didn’t deserve for you to break his heart.  But he certainly didn’t deserve your guilted-love either.  Maybe he will find someone else, maybe he will never love again.  Either way, that isn’t your concern.  Take pride in the fact that you are brave enough to know what you want, and make the hard decisions that need to be made.

You aren’t a bad person because you broke someone’s heart.  You aren’t a villain for not returning someone else’s love.  You’re human.  Someone may break your heart someday and then maybe you’ll understand both sides of the coin.  But until then, remind yourself that no matter how much he loved you; you loved yourself a little more.

Because eventually you will find someone who you love, just as much as he loved you. And if you’re lucky, that person will love you too.